If I was honest...

If I was being honest I would scream at you "son of a bitch" or "f***ing bastard". However I don't want to insult your mom. It isn't her fault that you chose to be this person. I am sure she wouldn't take credit for raising you, but who am I to speculate. Love is unconditional, right?

Rather than curse you, perhaps I should thank you. Without your friendship I may never have felt utter disgust, let alone unleashed hatred. Truth be told, I recognize that if you never turned out to be the asshole that you are I may have made excuses on your behalf for a very long time. It would have been a free invitation to walk all over me whenever your heart desired.

What's unfortunate for me, it that I still picture a piece of goodness inside of you. I hope without reason that you will come to your senses. I wait for that small hidden spark to ignite, but you will not give it a chance.

So please, find happiness, I wish that for you, my friend. Yet secretly, if I am honest, I want you to hurt too.

ramblings....

It is funny how sometimes I feel that my life parallels that of the clients at work. Only hours ago I was discussing "growing pains" with a teenager at work and now although I have surpassed my teenage years by quite a bit, I feel those growing pains. Life is hard, sometimes we have to learn the lessons over and over again, I counseled the client. We all make mistakes, but have to pick up and learn from them. It is not easy, but it makes us stronger and better. Wow. It's my turn to learn that lesson again. I may have messed up and matters are much more complicated but sometimes in life there are no re-dos. Sometimes in life people don't forgive or allow for mistakes. It's a one time shot. I was convinced that the expression fool me once, shame on you fool me twice shame on me was the route to take. Now I am not so sure. In my anger I hurt someone who, regardless of if they cared about me, I cared about.

I was angry and hurt. Friendship in my book is a two way street. I need you and you need me. I got pushed aside, regardless of the reason. I began to see all the cracks in the side walk, I realized that I lost my value, that I was used, questioned if I was taken advantage of and now I realize my true mistake is that I, not matter what the excuses, didn't push for myself. I didn't say, HEY, what you are doing is effecting me.

I needed you, and I felt like you weren't there. Would things have been different if yelled to get your attention?

My Dahlia

The Bridge To Sunset

un

i made a statement. you didn't acknowledge it. you brought up the subject again and i repeated myself. you heard me but didn't deny it. you then tried to turn the tables on me. now i know, i am right. you disappoint me. i wish i could tell you that. but then i remember you don't care. and that is why i hurt.

to remember...

you never asked me how I was. i listened to your whole story with empathy and you never even inquired about me. it makes me wonder if you even care.

just thinking...

Today I was told that because I am me (basically, a strong person who can take a lot of crap) that I would be receiving the brunt of my "friend's" frustration/stress. At first, I thought Wow, NAMELESS, values and trusts me so much that NAMELESS can really loosen up and be real with me. Notice that was my first thought. Then came a simple conversation that went south. NAMELESS stated afterword that I was snapped at with no valid reason, apologized and admitted fault. I am not quite sure that is what I wanted or needed. This whole situation leaves me wondering that if I define a true friend as someone that loves you for your true self then am I the hypocrite? I maintain that a friend is someone with whom you can share your true colors, be all that you are. But the stinging question in my mind... Am I setting myself up as NAMELESS' punching bag? Is there a difference between "letting it all hang out" and snapping at your friend because you know she can handle it?

*Readers~ your commentary is much needed and greatly appreciated!

friends

There are so many types of friends defined by this 7 letter work. Friend can be a term loosely tossed around such as "Yeah, I know him/her, we're friends." Or a friend can be someone who seems almost entwined within your being. I have had a broad spectrum of friends in my quarter or so of a century of life. There were those friends in grade school who I played with daily at recess and felt lost when they were home sick. Then there were the friends with whom I snuck off campus with during 5th period lunch in the terrible days of high school. In college there were the friends with which I racked up more hours with than I did in the library. My point being that at each time in my life I had friends who helped me to define the term, sure there were ups and downs, but each received a piece of my heart while the relationship lasted.

As I grow older my friendships change. There is no recess or lunch hour or dorms that place friends immediately in my vicinity. I have learned to value the friends that make the effort to be in my life. I don't discount how hard it really is. (Or for some so very easy- our friendship is such that months may pass but the love never fades.) But today, I value the friends who are very present in my life. In my mind, I refer to them as "farting friends". This may in fact be a very crass name but symbolizes something very beautiful to me. This is my friend, who is there for the good, the bad, and the ugly but also offers love and support day to day. "Farting Friends" are the first ones you call to celebrate with and laugh with not just as a shoulder to lean on. A "FF" knows you as well, if not better than, you know yourself and surprise surprise- LOVES you anyway! I have a few of these jewels amongst the pearls of my life and for this I am very grateful.

why

I want to post something brilliant, but instead I just feel all mixed up. I would like some answers please. Is that too unrealistic?

30 hours in 2 days

Yes, it's true I that was my weekend... I worked 30 hours in just two days. I will openly admit that I am eager for my day off. However I must say, I do still love my job- Incident Reports and all. Here's just a few things that made my weekend worth it... *A client told me that I am "the most enjoyable to be around." *Another client learned a lesson and earned a privilege and told me that she understood if it was too late to receive her reward. She would wait until tomorrow. Only those who work with my kids would really understand that pearl of patience she displayed. And lastly *I do love my co-workers. Even after the long and stressful days I can count on them for a true belly laugh!

beauty

Gabby encounters a cow for the first time!

Maybe it isn't me... It's you.

That was it, my epiphany today. Maybe it’s not me… it’s you. This thought, so unlike the many thoughts racing through my mind took me by surprise. I never have this feeling, that someone else is responsible. I am the type of person to hold myself to the highest level of accountability. It is always my fault, no matter what the it may be. I beat myself up when you are upset. I hate myself for making you mad even when I did nothing wrong. I ride the rollercoaster of your moods yet they are very separate from mine. I feel at fault when you are irritated with me. I am the one searching for a reason to apologize.

Normally I lack anything resembling self confidence. I like myself, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t feel “good enough” for the likes of you. I know that I am a good solid friend. I am compassionate, understanding, and loving. But you don’t appreciate me, do you? I have slipped into the role of your punching bag so easily that we fit like a hand and glove.

But today- Maybe it’s not me… it’s you- just ran through my head and landed gently amidst the wrinkles of my brain fitting snuggly. This very thought, so foreign to me, seemingly cold and unnatural felt surprisingly right. You extinguish my flame. But I am ready to stand up and say- It’s not me… It’s you. The ball has returned to your court. It’s your turn to figure things out.

Beginings...

Why, Why, Why?

You know that expression curiosity got the cat? Yeah, that one? Well I'm the cat and I got gotten. Sometimes I make dumb decisions. Yes, it's true. Against all better judgment I did something stupid. All making me wonder how come five years later my heart still flutters? That life would have been a horrible mess! All leading back to Why, Why, Why?

the little things...

Some days it is hard to motivate myself to do anything. Let's be honest, I don't have anyone depending on me so I can lead a lazy and selfish life if I want to! Well at least for a few days at a time. So here is a list of the little things that I did for me on this cloudy, rainy, dreary day.
*boiled some corn on the cob
*peaked on the momma and 3 baby robins growing on my back porch (I like to keep an eye on them)
*watched people on TABOO drink their own urine, gagged but didn't look away or fast forward
*spent over an hour at the laundry mat... love seedy places and clean laundry
*laughed with friends (thanks Jen, Nick, and Kenzie)
*played with Gabby- hands down my favorite baby in the whole world
*smelled the lilacs
*cleaned the bathroom with all eco-friendly products


I sat down at my computer thinking my day was kind of pathetic, but now am changing my mind. I can find the good in just about everything and my day off was well deserved and lived very simply. And that's not a bad day!

Grrr

hmm

Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?

What if the cow doesn't want to be bought?

True Confesssion

I was feeling a bit sad about my life and this is the thought that ran through my head "I wish I could just fast forward through my life and get to the nursing home part where all my friends are living next door again and there are organized activities." Then of course I thought how sad that thought really was, but almost immediately I laughed out loud and realized only I can find the silver lining in old age!

Opposites

My latest life lessons...

Sometimes life sucks, plain and simple. I am on an upward swing after a rough few months and a friend recently asked me [what the heck was he thinking?] for advice when dealing with a difficult situation. After my response flowed from me I realized that I might be on to something and decided to share:

First things first... take one day at a time. Avoid thinking about the future- it just becomes a vast space of emptiness that overwhelms and depresses you. Today is what matters, the future will take care of itself with very little worrying and obsessing by you.

Secondly- know what you truly want (as well as you can) sometimes what you think you want isn't what you really want but it just what you've been telling yourself. It seems confusing but really is IT, (or that person) really making you happy or are you telling yourself that you should be happy?

3rd... you are never alone, ever. It may take a couple phone calls, but someone will always talk to you, laugh with you and cry with you whether its family, friends or in a pinch a pet.

I have been accused on more than one occasion of being a talking Hallmark card and this could very well be yet another example of my corniness. However this is what got me through and maybe it will help someone else.

A start

Truth be told I am no creative genius and I certainly am not claiming to be… “How To Be Annie” was the first title that blogger accepted. I had a short list of what I thought to be divinely inspired titles but after several rejections I honestly just gave up. Yes, sometimes I am just lazy and other times easily defeated.

I was tempted to share the exciting, well maybe only to me, stories of my birth to start this blog off right. But really, who is interested in a story that centers around my mother’s nether regions? See really not a taker in the whole bunch.

And so, ( a common, yet grammatically incorrect phrase that my Aunt Inez uses to begin many of her sentences) here I am again trying to find a beginning. Yet maybe that is the whole point. The beginning has moved on and here I am.

Day 1

Dear Self,
Now what am I going to do?

Love,
Me

hello out there?

Is this thing on?