beauty

Gabby encounters a cow for the first time!

Maybe it isn't me... It's you.

That was it, my epiphany today. Maybe it’s not me… it’s you. This thought, so unlike the many thoughts racing through my mind took me by surprise. I never have this feeling, that someone else is responsible. I am the type of person to hold myself to the highest level of accountability. It is always my fault, no matter what the it may be. I beat myself up when you are upset. I hate myself for making you mad even when I did nothing wrong. I ride the rollercoaster of your moods yet they are very separate from mine. I feel at fault when you are irritated with me. I am the one searching for a reason to apologize.

Normally I lack anything resembling self confidence. I like myself, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t feel “good enough” for the likes of you. I know that I am a good solid friend. I am compassionate, understanding, and loving. But you don’t appreciate me, do you? I have slipped into the role of your punching bag so easily that we fit like a hand and glove.

But today- Maybe it’s not me… it’s you- just ran through my head and landed gently amidst the wrinkles of my brain fitting snuggly. This very thought, so foreign to me, seemingly cold and unnatural felt surprisingly right. You extinguish my flame. But I am ready to stand up and say- It’s not me… It’s you. The ball has returned to your court. It’s your turn to figure things out.