If I was honest...

If I was being honest I would scream at you "son of a bitch" or "f***ing bastard". However I don't want to insult your mom. It isn't her fault that you chose to be this person. I am sure she wouldn't take credit for raising you, but who am I to speculate. Love is unconditional, right?

Rather than curse you, perhaps I should thank you. Without your friendship I may never have felt utter disgust, let alone unleashed hatred. Truth be told, I recognize that if you never turned out to be the asshole that you are I may have made excuses on your behalf for a very long time. It would have been a free invitation to walk all over me whenever your heart desired.

What's unfortunate for me, it that I still picture a piece of goodness inside of you. I hope without reason that you will come to your senses. I wait for that small hidden spark to ignite, but you will not give it a chance.

So please, find happiness, I wish that for you, my friend. Yet secretly, if I am honest, I want you to hurt too.

ramblings....

It is funny how sometimes I feel that my life parallels that of the clients at work. Only hours ago I was discussing "growing pains" with a teenager at work and now although I have surpassed my teenage years by quite a bit, I feel those growing pains. Life is hard, sometimes we have to learn the lessons over and over again, I counseled the client. We all make mistakes, but have to pick up and learn from them. It is not easy, but it makes us stronger and better. Wow. It's my turn to learn that lesson again. I may have messed up and matters are much more complicated but sometimes in life there are no re-dos. Sometimes in life people don't forgive or allow for mistakes. It's a one time shot. I was convinced that the expression fool me once, shame on you fool me twice shame on me was the route to take. Now I am not so sure. In my anger I hurt someone who, regardless of if they cared about me, I cared about.

I was angry and hurt. Friendship in my book is a two way street. I need you and you need me. I got pushed aside, regardless of the reason. I began to see all the cracks in the side walk, I realized that I lost my value, that I was used, questioned if I was taken advantage of and now I realize my true mistake is that I, not matter what the excuses, didn't push for myself. I didn't say, HEY, what you are doing is effecting me.

I needed you, and I felt like you weren't there. Would things have been different if yelled to get your attention?

My Dahlia

The Bridge To Sunset

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i made a statement. you didn't acknowledge it. you brought up the subject again and i repeated myself. you heard me but didn't deny it. you then tried to turn the tables on me. now i know, i am right. you disappoint me. i wish i could tell you that. but then i remember you don't care. and that is why i hurt.

to remember...

you never asked me how I was. i listened to your whole story with empathy and you never even inquired about me. it makes me wonder if you even care.

just thinking...

Today I was told that because I am me (basically, a strong person who can take a lot of crap) that I would be receiving the brunt of my "friend's" frustration/stress. At first, I thought Wow, NAMELESS, values and trusts me so much that NAMELESS can really loosen up and be real with me. Notice that was my first thought. Then came a simple conversation that went south. NAMELESS stated afterword that I was snapped at with no valid reason, apologized and admitted fault. I am not quite sure that is what I wanted or needed. This whole situation leaves me wondering that if I define a true friend as someone that loves you for your true self then am I the hypocrite? I maintain that a friend is someone with whom you can share your true colors, be all that you are. But the stinging question in my mind... Am I setting myself up as NAMELESS' punching bag? Is there a difference between "letting it all hang out" and snapping at your friend because you know she can handle it?

*Readers~ your commentary is much needed and greatly appreciated!